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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23914114">Secrets and Scars</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Justanothertrashaccount/pseuds/Justanothertrashaccount'>Justanothertrashaccount</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Law &amp; Order: SVU</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 20:00:28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,869</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23914114</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Justanothertrashaccount/pseuds/Justanothertrashaccount</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>When Noah makes a suprise appearance at the precinct, suprising and gut-wrenching secrets are revealed about Liv's time with Lewis. </p><p>This is my first fanfic ever so please review!!!</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Olivia Benson/William Lewis</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>34</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Letters</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Takes place in Season 19. Beasts Obsession never occured and Lewis was killed in the beach house.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Amanda Rollins sat down at her desk, eyes heavy while downing her third coffee, she never expected to see Noah in the precinct. She also never expected her usually stoic boss to stride past the rows of desks with tears streaming down from those beautiful brown eyes. </p><p>A shockwave of concern spread across the blonde's face, with Carisi's equally confused eyes making contact across the desks that seperated them. Fin sat back in his chair casually as they all watched the Lieutenant striding towards the office, shaking and, in Olivia Benson fashion, trying not to attract attention while entering through the brown door and drawing the blinds. </p><p>Their contemplative and confused demeanour quickly changed when Noah approached Rollins cautiously. Of course the little boy in the red dinosaur shirt knew the woman, hell he knew the whole squad, but it didn't change the fact that he rarely interacted with the detectives without his mother. </p><p>"Amanda? Mom says I have to sit with you today because Lucy is on vacation and mom doesn't feel well", Noah stated unblinking and with more than a hint of uncertainty. </p><p>Carisi sudued a laugh at Rollin's newly granted desk duty, only out of concern for Olivia and curiosity about the scene before him. The three detectives exchanged looks, silently and wordlessly expressing their shared concern. </p><p>"Sounds great!", Rollins said in her high pitched mothering voice while tickling and drawing a laugh out of Noah. Carisi quickly stood and drew a chair from the empty desk to his left, placing it beside his partner's desk with a smile. </p><p>The boy sat down, with legs and green shoes dangling from the side, as he began to talk causally.</p><p>"I'm not sure why mom was so upset today...", he began, without noticing each detective subconsciously moving closer and hanging on to every word of the conversation. </p><p>Fin glanced at Rollins with a look that silently communicated "<em>this isn't yours to know", </em>but she quickly disregarded it out of curiosity. Besides they all knew he wanted to know as well.</p><p>"Why is that, Noah?", she prodded, now enabling the easily identifiable voice used for information-witholding children. </p><p>He shifted in the uncomfortable chair that screamed budget cuts, "I tried to show her I could read, but she just started to cry."</p><p>Each adult was thoroughly puzzled at his words. Why would Noah reading elicit such a rare reaction from Liv? And why was she too upset to look after him today?</p><p>Carisi quickly asked what he read, and no one was really suprised at his addition to the conversation, only the answer provided. </p><p>"Well when mom had to reach to get my fruit snacks way up on the shelf, I read out the letters on her belly"</p><p><em>What the fuck?</em> Was the unsaid question that each adult asked the others with looks and faces of confusion. </p><p>"Was it a tattoo?", Rollins asked, as the trio deflated their collective held breath at the realization it could be simply something trivial. "<em>But then why was it such and upsetting secret?", </em>Carisi thought to himself in careful contemplation. </p><p>"Ok honey. What did it say?", the blonde asked, only to elicit a careful warning and stern "Amanda..." from Fin. Disregarding, although noticing, the warning resulted in Rollins' pause to encourage the boy to elaborate.</p><p>"I know all my letters!", Noah said proudly and with confidence followed by a brief pause of humility, "but I couldnt read the word because I never seen it before"</p><p>He continued, sitting forward in the padding-less chair, "It said W H O R E ", sounding out each letter individualy and carefully "then some weird numbers". </p><p>The pit of Fins stomach dropped two floors as the group exchanged nervous glances. They knew this wasnt the work of a buzzing tattoo stylus but instead of a smouldering wire coat hanger. Every officer in the room read the case file when Benson went missing the second time, even Carisi who stumbled upon it accidentally, but they never quite understood what "Hanger burns to the lower abdomen" exactly entailed.</p><p>Fin got up from his desk slowly, barely whispering, "Rollins and Carisi take care of Noah. I'm going to talk to Liv. When I'm sure she's okay, we never speak of this again. Clear?"</p><p>The confirming nods from the two detectives were all he needed as he approached the office door slowly, still contemplating if this was the right move. </p><p>The door handle turned, and soon it was too late to turn back. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Reveal</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Liv comes clean about what really happened in the beach house, and why she kept it a secret.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey y'all thanks for visiting the short story! This was more of a no commitment limited-editing type of thing but I just wanted to put it out there. This is AU obviously because I did think it was a tad unbelievable that Lewis didn't rape Olivia during those four days, but it makes sense that she would want to hide it. Anyways, thanks and stay safe!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The door swung open towards the inside of the well lit office, with Fin curiously gauging the situation of the room. Deciding to come in, he gently approached the Lieutenant who had her head in her hands. Being mindful enough not to touch her or invade her space, the gray couch across the room was soon filled with what seemed to be a human-shaped bundle of black leather and cologne. </p><p>Fin may not be Elliot, thats for sure, but knew damn sure that Liv would rather fill the awkward silence rather than dwell within it. So he remained quiet and waited patiently, lying prone on the cushions before unlocking his barely-functioning phone. </p><p><em>Damn the sly bastard </em>she thought with an inward smile and with already present tears. </p><p>"What can I do you for, Sergeant?", Liv asked as she quickly failed to supress a sad smile, "Or are you just gonna sit on your ass and play Candy Crush?".</p><p>The inside joke landed as the man sat up and migrated to one of the chairs across the desk. With a knowing look, the same one he used in the squad car leaving Sealview, he managed to remain quiet so she could set the stage. It was her story to tell after all. </p><p>But when no explanation came, he dared not waste another second in a battle of wits when they both knew who would win. </p><p>"You know why I'm here", came out before he could stop himself. Remembering not to use the victim-interviewing voice or expression, lest the woman further retreat in the metaphorical shadows, he leaned back casually to dissipate the pressure placed on her. </p><p>"I'm fine, Fin", was all Olivia could manage to say without crying. She hadn't messily cried in the precinct since Elliot left and hell would freeze before she did it again. Lone tears with a soft expression, however, could be tolerated just this once. </p><p>The man who's eyes could be seen just above the desktop was possibly the only one in the whole squad who knew the secret to code breaking the enigma that was Olivia Benson. Not a small feat by any means, but one accomplished by maintaining hard yet approachable expressions and <em>never </em>treating the Lieutenant like a victim. The issue lie in the fact that she is indeed one, accepting of the title or not. </p><p>"I don't think fine fits the bill here, Liv. Your eyes tell me otherwise" </p><p>Liv's hand quickly moves to her eye to discard whatever moisture was there and mentally prepared herself for the inevitable.</p><p>"So Noah told you?" </p><p>"Yeah, the two lovebirds out there are with him now. You know Rollins, can't mind her own business for shit. Not when it comes to you anyway". The small wink was not unnoticed, but a strong and fruitless attempt to ignore it was made. </p><p>"You know what he told you. What's there left to ask?"</p><p>Fin didn't attempt to lie partly because their friendship was better than that, but mostly because Liv was too talented not to notice.</p><p>"The numbers. What are they?", he said bluntly but not without emotion. </p><p>Liv got up from the black high-backed chair and looked out through the office window facing the city. The weather matched the situation quite appropriately as the rain sloshed against the glass. </p><p><em>Its working </em>he thought, knowing that the break in eye contact meant she was about to reveal sensitive information. </p><p>"It's a date", whispered through the stagnant and cool air that filled the room, although Liv could swear the temperature just raised a few degrees.</p><p>"For...?"</p><p>Had the man been provided the numericals, reaching a conclusion wouldnt be rocket science. He was a detective after all. It had been 4 long years since the incident, and hell, it was impressive that the secret lasted this long.</p><p>"The day he-", was all that made it past her lips before a silent cry began to form. Nonetheless, regaining composure she continued, albiet painfully. "It was the first time he raped me". </p><p>The strong leader tried to state it matter-of-factly, but silver tears whittled their way down cheeks, and not just her own. Liv quickly stood to dilute the embarrassment of the conversation, and tall legs soon carried her to the glass of the interrogation room. Leaning on the ledge for support but facing towards Fin, hair touched cold glass as she looked at the ceiling and closed her eyes. </p><p>"I thought he didn't-"</p><p>She quickly interrupted with a small chuckle that only the most desperate do when tear ducts have been exhausted.</p><p>"I lied."</p><p>"Even to me? To Cragen?" </p><p>"The man was like a father to me, Fin. I could never. It would break his heart and it might just have put the nail in the coffin of mine". </p><p>"What about IAB?" </p><p>"Ed and his partner who was at the interview are the only people that know, besides my therapist. Lewis was dead. There wasn't a reason to shout it from the rooftops. Hell I even tried to deny it inwardly for a while, but that requires about a dozen scars less".</p><p>The sad smile across her lips was met with his pitying expression, before he remembered who he was dealing with and tried to maintain as neutral of an expression as possible. </p><p>He knew what she tried to say when words would not do the situation justice. Scars are nothing but reminders of a painful past. And the woman had a lot of them. </p><p>"You know what he said to me?"</p><p>She took the golden badge off her hip and studied it closely. "He said '<em>how ironic. The great Olivia Benson succumbing to the very crime she lives to prevent. How the mighty have fallen, detective'. </em>He said it with a smile on his face and my body in his hands. I'll never forget that, Fin. Not until the day I die."</p><p>She still maintained eye contact with either a ceiling or floor tile, rotating between the two.</p><p>He knew it was time to leave, sensing that when the time was right she would approach him.</p><p>"It doesn't matter what that rat bastard thought". The statement was too short, and he remebered something that had waited far to long to be said out loud. "I've got your back, Liv. Forever and always."</p><p>Fin opened the door to the office and eyed the one desk in the maze of many that was his. Quickly thinking and turning around, just before leaving, he said, </p><p>"I'm sorry, Liv"</p><p>The Lieutenant moved to look out the window, absent-mindedly watching the rain being repelled by an invisible barricade. </p><p>"Thats what I'm afraid of."</p><p>The sad smile on her face was not soon forgotten. </p>
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